Guyman Hospital: a story for anyone who can write*

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Posted: Wed Apr 01, 2015 8:59 pm

Brother Faber quickly explained, "I was given your number by Mr Tellall, of the Big X Position. He understood the extreme peril of the current situation."

Before Melissa could respond, the GoAG lurched towards her, but he was suddenly struck down by a huge mushroom that dropped from above.

The sprawled dummies burst into flames, and the prophet's skin turned Deep Purple and Pink at the same time.

Dr Terkefiele took a pad of Patient Committal forms from his jacket and bgan to fill one out for himself.

Posted: Wed Apr 01, 2015 10:25 pm

“Holy crap!” shouted Fake Sandra. “The GoAG tried to save your life, Melissa.”

Melissa said, “He sure did. What a sweet guy.”

The GoAG smiled weakly and blew Melissa a kIss.

As Dr. Terkefiele was filling out his forms, Dr. Solusi decided that someone had to take charge. And by golly, he was going to take charge.

“Everyone back to the bus, now!” he shouted. “And tell that Faber guy to call you back in ten minutes,” he yelled to Melissa.

“Gosh,” he’s so cute when he takes charge,” Melissa gushed to Fake Sandra.

The GoAG glared at Dr. Solusi when he heard that.

Our heroes then returned to the bus in the cave.

“Everybody in the bus,” said Dr. Solusi. Then to Fake Sandra he said “Get us the hell out of here.”

“But where?” Fake Sandra protested.

“Just drive,” said Dr. Solusi.

The bus and our heroes had driven approximately five miles when…

Posted: Thu Apr 02, 2015 4:25 am

When... the clock struck 13.

"Alice? Alice?" The nurse was poking at me with a long boney finger.
"Wake up Alice, it is time for your sleeping pill."

What? I must have been dreaming. I have had some strange dreams, but this one was a doozie. My mouth was dry, so I reached for the drink the nurse offered me.

Ahhh, relief. She was smiling at me now and I smiled back. Not sure how I got in this place, nor what I was supposed to do, but hey, that is the story of my life.

Suddenly, the nurse poked a pill in my mouth and forced me to take a drink by holding my nose. I choked and swallowed hard, feeling the pill tumble down my throat. I tried to stop it, but the nurse poked me again.

This time it felt like a bee sting.

"Ouch!!!" I shouted.

The room began to spin, or was it the bed that was spinning. The nurse was just grinning that silly grin. I saw what I thought was a doctor come into the room, or was it a bunny...

I was not totally sure when...

Posted: Thu Apr 02, 2015 7:40 am

I was not totally sure when...
The tape went silent.
Dr. Johnde Mahemo glared at the antique reel-to-reel recorder and wished that the Uzhman Belloh clinic could afford modern equipment.
Genievre*, his secretary, hurried inside and said quickly, "We managed to get rooms for all the LOUVRE soldiers, but it's awful cramped. Any more, and we'll have to turn them away."
Dr Mahemo shrugged. "With Solusi and Terkefiele out of contact, we're going to have to muddle through. Call Dr Peter McWealth of the Department of Health and tell him to send assistance."
Genievre left, and Dr Mahemo allowed himself a cruel smirk. If they come back, they get fired, and I'm the boss! If they never come back - I'm the boss. It's a win-win!

"I think we've got that looney general hopping mad at Solusi," Melissa said to Fake Sandra, "but I'm not sure if giving Solusi a swelled head was a good idea."
Fake Sandra shrugged. "The men here are nothing to give me any confidence - three nerds, four Army stiffs, a loudmouth shyster, and a looney, plus a pygmy brought along for no reason."
Melissa glanced around at where the Kleptomanians were going through the heap of mini-Uzis while keeping the GoAG from grabbing one, while the pygmy huddled dejectedly inside his overcoat.
Melissa's phone rang. She had restored the Twin Peaks ringtone.
"This is Brother Faber. I will meet you at the Pyramid just ahead."
Suddely Fake Sandra hit the brakes and the bus shrieked to a stop just before it hit the two-metre high pyramid.
Gasping for breath in the bodies piled up behind the driver's seat, Melissa heard Faber say, "Um, I should have said that a bit sooner."

*Genievre is one of the original names for gin.

Posted: Thu Apr 02, 2015 9:28 pm

“Do you think?!” Melissa shouted sarcastically. “Any other surprises you want to let me know about?”

“Well, there are several suprises in your future,” Faber replied. “But they will be revealed at the opportune time.”

“Just what the hell does that mean?” Melissa asked.

“You will see,” said Faber.

‘Suppose we don’t want to see?” asked Melissa. “You can’t make us work for you, you know.”

“Oh, but I can,” Faber said. “And you willl.”

He then hung up the phone.

As Melissa started at the phone, her frustration level rising, she heard Fourscin shout—“Look, look!”

Melissa and our heroes looked out the window and saw a clown on a giant tricycle approaching. He was tooting the horn and waving. He was wearing…

Posted: Fri Apr 03, 2015 3:59 am

A hat. Not just any hat, he was wearing it more like one would wear a barrel. How he was peddling that darn tricycle, I don't know, if it were me, I would have worn it the other way.

Oh and he had a clown nose. Yup, a hat and a clown nose, it was the strangest site I had ever seen. Now as for the tricycle, it appeared to be more floating than rolling along the ground.

I started laughing. Melissa started laughing, the whole bus started laughing. Rolling around and laughing. We were laughing and rolling so much that the bus seemed like it was going to roll over.

Then it happened...

Posted: Fri Apr 03, 2015 5:25 am

Then it happened - the bus did roll over, not because of the laughter, but because a giant mutant thoat had nudged it, and the clown's tricycle ran into a tree and exploded like a crashed car in an action movie.
"I told you that was a giant mutant thoat back there," Pater Perker peevishly pointed out.
Barrister Rumple Fourscin saw the clown stand up, looking startled and singed, and called out, "I say, you there! You have a case against the manufacturers of that tricycle for selling you an unsafe product! I can guarantee you a sizeable URP!"
The giant mutant thoat cut Fourcin off in mid-sentence by somehow picking him up by the scruff of the neck with its teeth and lifting him out via a broken window before trotting off with its unwilling passenger.
Colonel Matisse said, "

Posted: Fri Apr 03, 2015 5:34 pm

Colonel Matisse said, "Well, that was quick, the courts usually work much slower."

What he was thinking was, "Wow, I am sure glad it wasn't me that was chosen." He was also thinking, "I wish I had that kind of power, ripping through the roof of this bus like it was tissue paper."

He then said, "Such precision, it reminds me of the time...

Posted: Fri Apr 03, 2015 6:19 pm

He then said, "Such precision, it reminds me of the time I destroyed a Kleptomanian platoon single-handed in the last war, with only one bullet for each of them. It was glorious!"
The Kleptomanians looked baffled.
"That weed?" asked Corporal Shootemoff. "Are we supposed to be afraid of him?"
Colonel Sliseyerdickoff shrugged.
"We fear nothing and no-one, Corporal. Now, since nobody cares about that loudmouth being dragged through the window by a... mutant horse, we may as well get the bus back on its wheels."
Just then the clown called out, "I'll get your friend back, don't worry!"
By the time Corporal Shootemoff managed to climb up to the broken window, the clown had all but vanished, and his bursts of fire were dodged by repeated pratfalls.

Barrister Rumple Fourscin was less concerned by being carried along by a giant mutant thoat than by the tears in his vivid costume from being dragged through the broken window. Added to that was the saliva dripping down the back of his neck, and the fact that his notepad was out of reach.
"Whoever owns this stupid lumbering furbag is going to owe me a million usd!" he snarled.
Suddenly the thoat dropped Fourscin into a huge pile of dung, and then pinned him down with one hoof.
A voice called out, "

Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2015 2:37 pm

A voice called out, “Do you need any help, Mister?”

Fourscin looked up and saw a little girl looking at him quizically.

“Why, yes I do,” replied Fourscin. “This stupid creature has assaulted me.”

“I’m sorry, said the little girl. “Barnie sometimes gets overly excited.”

“Bad Barnie, bad Barnie,” the little girl admonished the thoat. “Let the man go.”

The thoat complied and hung his head in shame.

“Now go to your room and stay there,” the little girl said to the thoat, and he obyed and lumbered off to his room.

“Who are you little girl?” Fourscin asked.

Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2015 12:30 am

"I'm Penelope," she answered, "Penelope Quill. Now you get up out of that nasty dung and follow me, but not too close. Daddy and Mummy say that I shouldn't talk to strangers, and you're very strange."
Fourscin pondered what she had said, and realised that obviously Penelope had confused strange with exceptional. Well, she was young, and she would learn how things worked.

"You also wear silly clothes. They're ugly too. And I don't mean about the dung. Those colours are so icky. What's your name?"
For a full thirty seconds, he could not answer, as he heard, rejected, and forgot what Penelope had said about his clothes, and he finally said, "I am Barrister Rumple Fourscin, the greatest lawyer who ever lived or ever will live; genius, polymath, fashion forerunner, future national leader, and hero in search of a just and noble cause.”
Penelope giggled.
"Nah, you're just a wanker."
Fourscin was struck silent again.

Then he was struck down by a weighted banana, and the last thing he heard was "Welcome to the... Skribshus Society Mr Rumpskin!" and a giggle before he passed out.
Not far away, Bluffo the Clown was similarly knocked out, though since he was a clown the blow sounded like bop, and he didn't so much fall as subside with an "Ooooogh!"

Meanwhile, at a petshop in Notlob,

Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2015 1:38 am

Meanwhile, at a petshop in Notlob, the hamsters and gerbils went on a rampage and decided to free everyone in the pet shop.

As the birds squawked, kittens meowed, and puppy dogs yipped, the hamsters and gerbils opened the cages.

"Freedom," squeaked the little rodents. "You are free!"

Of course all hell broke loose when the kittens were released, because, as you know, hamsters and gerbils make tasty snacks.

However, the puppy dogs could not allow their hated rival kittens to eat their rescuers, so the puppy dogs attacked the kittens (who were attacking the hamsters and gerbils).

And the birds were freed, and they were like WTF is going on.

Suddenly...

Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2015 2:50 am

Suddenly a pompous Army Colonel came in, declared that it was all too silly, and ordered the animals back to their cages before calling in his men to give the owner a severe drubbing with Footo, the wonder boot exploder.

Back at the bus, problems had developed with putting it the right way up.
The long-simmering rift between the Larcenerians and Kleptomanians had turned downright ugly, and Melissa, trying to keep the peace, found it even harder when

Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2015 5:36 am

... found it even harder when the eclipse started.

It had been predicted, but not foretold. As the sky dimmed the critters began their pre-sleep rituals. It was all so strange to be wanting a pre-bedtime snack when lunch had just been consumed.

The table was still littered with bones and globs of fat. The flies had begun to feast As the darkness developed further, there was a scramble for torches.

In the confusion a lamp was knocked over and it's contents spilled on the ground. The flies evacuated the area and Penelope begged everyone to stay calm and not spark any flames. The air was rank with kerosene and glass was dangerously scattered.

As the darkness peaked, there was a collective sigh of relief and sleep. As the eclipse reversed itself, the confusion remained because a couple moments of sleep was so not normal.

Everyone was groggy and bleary eyed as...

Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2015 8:21 am

Everyone was groggy and bleary eyed as Melissa wondered out loud, "Why was there a table and a lamp here just now, and a fire, and food scraps, and where did they go, and who the fuck is Penelope?"
As it happened, everyone else was having the same confusion (but lacked her eloquence), except for the GoAG, who now regarded Dr Solusi as his rival for Melissa's affections (which would have baffled Dr Solusi, who knew that the GoAG was the head of LEGAL).*
The pygmy prophet said, "Oh, that happens every now and again. You're here, and someone's over there, but here and there can be there and here at the same time, it's annoying but it soon goes away and here and there are back where they are."
As explanations went, that was on par with the Groundnuts order,** and he was ignored, even though he was telling the truth.
Colonel Matisse said, "There is no way to get this bus back on its wheels as things are. So, what does Brother Faber have to say about that?"

Bluffo the Clown woke up facing Barrister Rumple Fourscin, and thought he was sharing a small cell with another clown who, like him, was chained to the wall. So when, seconds later, Fourscin came round, Bluffo said, "As one clown to another, where does your circus come from?"

*Larcenians Enabling Gay Action League
** "In the Nuts (unground), other than ground nuts Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."

Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2015 9:45 am

Normally Dagenham, but the motorways are sh*t in that part of the world, every time we go out for the day we end up in Italy, It's particularly hard on our unknown stuntman, his trousers keep spontaneously combusting.
It's not a pretty sight.

Bluffo looked at him, "unknown stuntman? have you not thought to ask him his name?"

Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2015 10:39 am

Fourscin blinked and did a double-take.
"What stuntman? Who are you talking about?"
It was Bluffo's turn to blink.
"The stuntman whose trousers were always on fire, remember?"
"You don't know what you're talking about!"

Bluffo thought, Must be concussion or something made him confused.
Fourscin thought, What did I say about the circus?

Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2015 11:27 pm

You said, "Send in the clowns!"

I thought that was unusual for you to say, but... hey, I am reading your thoughts right now and that in itself is strange.

No, it is not time for tea. We have things to do and time is wasting. The bus is a mess and, well frankly, we all look a fright.

If I could do anything to make it right I would...

Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2015 9:50 am

If I could do anything to make it right I would like to know why that girl is giggling at us, and how come you're talking about that bus when we're both chained to the walls of a cell?
She was indeed giggling at the stream of consciousness pouring forth from Fourscin and Bluffo together.

"Hi, Mr Rumpskin, you remember me? And you, Mr Bluffo, I'm Penelope Quill and I'm supposed to tell you everything, but you both look like someone really did you over with the dumb stick. Would you like some icecream?"
"Vanilla," growled Fourscin, who remembered the insults and the giant mutant thoat, and was thinking of how he would show her what happened to people who insulted him.
"Do you have Neapolitan?" asked Bluffo cautiously.
"Of course!" she trilled, and skipped away.
Not more than a minute later she returned and pushed two small bowls between the bars of the cell. Each bowl contained icecream and a spoon.
"Now eat up, you two, and you don't get out until you've eaten it all!"

Bluffo found that his bowl did contain Neapolitan icecream and he began to spoon it down. Rumple Fourscin, however, found that his icecream was not vanilla but licorice, beetroot, and onion flavour - and that he could not stop himself from eating it all...

Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2015 1:07 pm

...could not stop himself from eating it all, which was part of Penelope's diabolical plan.

You see, dear readers, Penelope was a cannibal. And we're not talking just any kind of cannibal, but the worst kind of cannibal.

So forget her giggling and bright demeanor, Penelope was evil. As evil as they come.

And she was planning on serving Fourscin as the main entree.

For the side dishes she planned on...

Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2015 1:37 pm

lady fingers with...

Once she was clear of the cells, she dropped her cannibal persona and went to see her father.
"Rumple Fourscin is a very sick man inside," she told Lord Quentin Quink. "Hiding all sorts of things... and he's such a wanker!"
"Language, dear Penelope," said Lord Quink urbanely. "He should be utterly terrified by your cannibal persona... When he, ahem, escapes with that silly clown, the others in the bus won't know who to trust. Now, run along and wait for The Plan to unfold."

Melissa's phone rang, to no-one's surprise.
"Yes, Faber?"
"Don't be such a grouch. Help is on its way to put your bus right."
And from the jungle strode two giant mutant thoats, each ridden by

Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2015 9:39 pm

each ridden by two men with no arms or legs.

"What the hell are they going to do?" shouted Melissa! "They don't have any arms or legs."

"What?" asked Faber.

"I said they don't have any arms or legs," Melissa repeated.

"Hmmm, that is odd," said Faber. "They definitely had arms and legs when I sent them."

"Well, they don't have them now," Melissa said. "Is this some sort of sick joke?"

"No, I assure you it's not a joke," replied Mr. Faber. "Hang on a few minutes and I will send replacements."

As Melissa hung up the phone, Fake Sandra walked up to her and whispered...

Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2015 12:25 pm

"Melissa, are you OK? Are you sure you didn't mean to say, "Unarmed"?
Melissa felt a wave of confusion, followed by a flood of doubt, and an unseasonal shower of bewilderment as both riders tugged out guitars from under their flowing robes and one began to sing what sounded like a serenade.
Colonel Sliseyerdickoff spun around and shouted at the pygmy prophet, "Tell me who these men are!"
The prophet pulled his overcoat over his head and mumbled, "No-one tells me anything!"
Tula Sukkemoff laughed derisively. "Why would that ever happen?"

By a strange coincidence, a similar exchange was taking place at the Polyhedron* - the headquarters of the AFL** - where General Korterz was demanding answers from Major Uppset about why boxes of money were piling up at K'Dokok airport without explanation. Unfortunately Major Uppset had no explanation for that and could only whimper "No-one tells me anything!"

*It actually has 11 sides, after a dispute over whether it should be a pentagon or a hexagon. The builders compromised, but it ended up more like the Winchester House.
**Armed Forces of Larceni.

Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2015 4:18 pm

“No-one tells me anything!”

“Quit being a baby, shouted General Korterz, “and get me the answers I need.”

As Major Upsett began to protest, General Korterz gave him a swift kick in the ass and sent him on hs way.

***

Meanwhile, Melissa was trying to figure out what song the strange riders were singing, as it was a very strange tune. She turned to the prophet and said, “I don’t care what you were or were not told—who do you THINK these men are?”

As the prophet mumbled incoherently, Tula Sukukemoff said, “I have a way to make him talk,” and she…

Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2015 9:49 pm

As the prophet mumbled incoherently, Tula Sukukemoff said, “I have a way to make him talk,” and she produced her Data Extraction Kit, Individual - what others might call a pocket-sized torture kit - and considered what implement to use.
Just as she was about to decide between the Testicular Constrictor and the Bottom Tool, the riders ceased playing, put their guitars away, and edged the giant mutant thoats towards the bus.
Before Fake Sandra could say more that "Watch the paintwork!" the two beasts slid their snouts under the side of the bus and heaved it back on its wheels - and the tyres burst, one after the other.
Fake Sandra groaned, "

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