Your Best Lines

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Not quite a Newb Joined: 14 Aug 2016 Posts: 52

Post some of youy favorite lines you've used on Lads.

My current favorite line is for my character, who isn't well schooled in the way things are beyond the borders of the U.S., to ask Barristers how someone who makes fancy coffee knows so much about legal matters.

I think I'm the only one who thinks it's funny, but what are your favorite lines?

Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2016 7:18 pm

"It's not my depo" or "Off topic."

I miss Sue's, "Unacceptable" from Capone.

Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2016 7:56 pm

Using well-used and typical Lad phrases against them. I try to get mine in first.

Quote:

You are not serious.
I do not deal with unserious people.
You are a joker.
My friend, it is like you are playing with me.
(Otherwise, forget the whole thing.) I am not begging you.

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 10:20 am

From Mal's phone calls:

"Let's skip the pleasantries" - Mal refuses to get caught up in the usual guff.

"I'm not your brother" - this discomforts quite a few Lads.

"Are you crying?" - orphans often resort to tears. Mal doesn't like that.

"You don't give me orders!" - Mal doesn't like pushy Lads.

"I don't do investment - I'm a survival instructor."

Cammy has a few special lines.

"Kiss my cute, perfect, sexy little ass" - Cammy combines rudeness with vanity.

"I will raise my spirit to Freyja for Her wisdom" - this is not a good thing.

"I don't know anything about business - I'm a photomodel."

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 10:22 am

My preferred character has this signature quote, usable in all circumstances:
"Appology for problem, I have not understand"

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 4:22 pm

From Lord N0rris:

'I cannot answer the telephone, as I am profoundly deaf, following an explosion on board HMS Eater when I was her Captain.'

'My wife has had me barred from all the local branches of Western Union and Moneygram, after an unfortunate misunderstanding with the Chairman of the Central Bank of Nigeria'

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 4:52 pm

To a Hitlad:

Quote:

Money is under car in brown paper parcel near mailbox

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

My pet haggis has eaten my passport

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

This one is courtesy of Mr. Laboski. His idiot character JG took a flight to Nigeria (or so he thought) but accidentally went to Niger instead. JG became confused because everyone there only spoke "France". I used that line today on a coworker who just returned from a European trip, and she thought it was hilarious. Thank you Mr. L.

As for my line, I did enjoy it when I got a rental lad to put into the contract that I was allowed to Release the Kraken. It doesn't take much to entertain me. Smile

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 10:11 pm

My favorite personal one liner (which I have used repeatedly) is written by a dollar choppin' corrupt banker:

"I am laughing so hard I can hardly type this! I will get rich and you will get the blame. This is so funny!"

It does seem to annoy the lads.

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 11:09 pm

A few...

"I don't think you actually read what I send. Or are the sentences too fucking long for you? If everyone in Africa is as stupid as you, you're in deep shit."

"Did your mother have any children with brains?"

"There are tree trunks here that are smarter than you."

"Think before you type, it's enlightening."

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 11:25 pm

Too many to choose from but heck here ya go:

My Parents were killed in a horrific Fudge Packing explosion

I don’t usually do anal on the first date butt I divest

May your Soul be Redeemed and your Journey be Righteous for arrival up to his House and up yours.

As they say in France Sayonara Baby!

Well I don’t trust them dang places cause they is run by Greasy Canadian Hippies

Do you have a big Wang Dangler my Sweaty?

Your silence causes **DELETED** violence dig dawg?

Ooh I caught crabs tonight!!!!!

Just like shooting fish from a Barrel like my Daddy used to say!

Am Judge, Judy and Executioner!

Let’s not look a grift horse in the mouth ok?

Soon I’ll be giving you Golden Showers

Seeing us in all of our splendor swaddled in Genuine Saskatchewan Seal Skin is a thrill that many don't soon forget.

I had me some eggs, bacon, sausages, chicken fried steak, gravy, toast, fruit, pancakes with rich creamery butter and pure Canadian Maple syrup and a bottomless cup of Joe. Not much really.

The only hold up that I can foresee is that they are Scottish and we all know how they are.

AND last but not least:

More Better

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 1:36 am

I fell and broke my tail in 3 places! Laughing

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 1:56 am

We're in the ocean catching ace mackerel / gefilte / albеrtfish / red gombessa / éperluсhe.

I've been busy making a big order of dingle arms for interocitors. (I don't think I've said it quite that way though.)

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 8:24 am

How could I have forgotten Mal's favourite story?

Quote:

In Somalia in 1993 the company I commanded surprised sixty militiamen who were plundering relief supplies intended for refugee children. I confronted one militiaman who dropped his AK-47 and smiled at me – he believed I'd spare his life.He was wrong. I was carrying an M-4 Masterkey, an assault carbine with an underslung shotgun barrel that’s normally used to blow open locked doors. I shot him in the face with the shotgun and blew his head apart; painted the wall behind him with blood, bone and brain tissue.If you were here now, I would do that to you, without hesitation.

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 9:11 am

To a Nigerian lawyer, referencing one of the many diplomats who failed to meet my character at the agreed time and place:

Quote:

The delivery boy is an incompetent idiot, who is incapable of even managing to deliver a small package. It is a wonder that he is able to wipe his own backside without his mother having to help him

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 9:26 am

Hmm... I'll have to actually dig through some old threads to find my favourite lines from my own baits, as I can generally only broadly remember them, but one that immediately comes to mind is from the Scott Larry bait, after his lover and former Church of the Old Gods nun Sister Joanna Angel had been stranded on the streets of some distant part of Niger and was prostituting herself to raise money for Scott (long story).

Joanna, I will add, had a very unique writing style that in involved using lots of Z's and texting lingo.

Sister Joanna Angel wrote:

plz i dontz wanna do teh suckingz anymorz they hurtz my throatz!! Sad

(Not a direct quote, but basically the gist of it)

My all-time favourite line from any baiting character, however, isn't my own, but this gem from Bohigal's Tukka character during the Shorty bait: (again, not a direct quote, just my own hazy recollection)

The great Tukka Banghit wrote:

So disapointed your mother will be to find out how lazy her gay son is. Will be sure to tell her next time I am sexing her lesbianally oh yes yes!

A close second would be Bernie's email to Turd prior to going out clubbing, which was just the lyrics to Alicia Bridges' "I Love The Nightlife." Every time I hear that song now - and it plays a <i>lot</i> where I work - it makes me think of Turd's insane world.

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 10:36 am

I miss Sue as well-yelling "Unacceptable" att that lad on the phone was prettty fun.

My favorite was very brief and after prying two piggies out oof a vlad/stripper with many off script arguments, he sent me the following regarding banking protocols:

Vlad: "Two words-bull shit"

Me: "Two words-Good bye."

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 5:11 pm

I remember a stall I once used on a mugu (my character was working in a hospital specializing in the treatment of Lycanthropy at the time I wrote this). The mugu bought it:

"I could not get to the bank yesterday! Had a terrible time at work. One of the patients got loose in the ER and we had to have the entire first floor of the hospital disinfected and deflea-ed."

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 5:57 pm

I have a character, on old woman who is confused all the time and doesn't speak english very well. It usually goes like this:

Quote:

Deer mr Jude,

Thanks you the mailing. Me ampologize for late returns of the message. Yester day I has a little aksident becos I fall of the lats step of the stares and I many hurts me leg. I has must lying in me bed.

Best regrets,
Rosemary

The further in the bait, the worse the spelling and confusion. This often drives the lads crazy Very Happy

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 11:19 pm

^If the lad doesn't know English and is mechanically translating to French, that would be especially confusing!

Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2016 2:28 pm

Went digging through some old threads, and found a couple of bits from the Ozzy bait I found particularly amusing.

The first involves Sister Katie, the ditzy, hard-partying and incredibly slutty nun from the Church of the Old Gods, who began a whirlwind romance with Ozzy's alter-ego, Terry. One Friday, she told him she was going to a friend's hen night, and then disappeared off the radar until early the next week, apart from one short, ominous email mid-bender.

Katie wrote:

omgg what hav i done . help me terrry.. Sad

While this was happening, the Old Gods Reverend in Katie's parish also sent Ozzy a couple of emails that mentioned Katie not turning up for work and how worried he was about that. Finally, Katie resurfaced, with the following confession:

Katie wrote:

honey i did a really ba d thing im so sorrym ive been such a bad girl Sad

i got so drunk again this weekend its started at the hens night and then lisa said we should go out to thw clubs and i was already so wasted so i forgot i had work the nezt day and then we hookes up with this dude who had some ectasy and got ecen drunker and omg its all such a blur omg next thing i remember its monday afternoom and im lying in some guys backyard...

but i have seomthing i need to tell u... i dint remember much but i remember enough and i remember that.... omg im soo sorry but i cheated on you!! i can even rememner the dudes face but i remember sexing him and then jis friend turned up amd we sexed as well ... can you ever forgive me babe???? Sad

Ozzy's response to this has to be one of the funniest lad emails I have ever received. He sounded genuinely heartbroken by Katie's betrayal!

Then there's the banker John Nash, who had a pretty bizarre writing style that was half DSW's Sarah Lee character from the Turd bait and half Yoda. This bit is in response to Ozzy's refusal to fill out security forms in order to receive his "donation" from Nash. Ozzy, I should note, was an orphanage scammer.

John Nash wrote:

In such times,
I think of those
Most placed to benefit from our actions.
Your orphans.
I sympathize with
Your hesitation to fill the security documents.
Yet I ask you,
What is a security document,
When compared to the life of an
Orphan?

Stuck at an impasse,
We are.
$999.99 USD is stuck between
A bank and security documents.
Only the
Security documents
Can free the $999.99 USD for its journey to
Your account.

Remember the
Orphans,
And the right path
Will appear
For
Yours truly.