Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 905

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin. girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving.'

They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.

They Walk Among Us!
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
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While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza “to go”. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

And last, but not least:

Dumb as a box of Rocks
TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.’

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, they walk among us!

Traffic Camera. A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result... He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupidity.

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 905

Fantastic News concerning Pensions and Benefits in the UK.

نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيستنقش

ديوار و چشم

خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نوراگر رفت سايه. ر رفت نور اگررفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار وچشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنميدان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفتديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايهدگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايهپيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفتسايهپيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماپيدا

نيست نقش

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 905

Employer abuse:

The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"? :roflmao:

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 905

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2015 9:09 pm

(1)
A penguin takes his car in for repairs after it siezes up completely.
The service manager points the penguin to an ice cream parlor across the street as a way to kill time while they investigate the problem.
Just as the penguin comes walking back, eating an ice cone, the service manager walks out and says "well, you blew a seal".
The penguin, with a shy grin on it's face replies, "no, that's just the ice cream..."

(2)
An old man is driving down the freeway when he gets pulled over by a state patrolman.
The patrolman asks to see the man's license, checks it out, comes back to talk to the old man.

"Gee, Mr.Smith, didn't you realize that your wife feel out of the car a few miles back?"
"Oh thank god....I was starting to think that I had COMPLETELY lost my hearing...."

Posted: Fri Nov 13, 2015 6:47 pm

Bertha was worried about her husband George,

so one day she took him to the doctor's.

As the doctor called George in and looked him over, George began insisting,

"There's nothing wrong with me. I know because God takes care of me." What do you mean?" asked the doctor.

"Well," George responded, "when I go to the bathroom he turns the light on and off."

The doctor decided he had better talk to both George and his wife, so he calls Bertha into the room and begins to explain,

"George says God turns the light on and off for him when he goes to the bathroom. Is it true that --"

"DAMMIT, George!" Bertha bursts out,

"How many times do I have to tell you not to piss in the fridge?"

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2015 1:40 am

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart."What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

Laughing

Posted: Sun Nov 29, 2015 3:08 am

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same
barber shop for shaves.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a
different barber, not a word was spoken.

Both barbers were afraid to start a conversation,
for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had
Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No
thanks, my wife Cherie, will smell that and think I've
been in a brothel.”

The second barber turned to Cameron and said,
"How about you Mr Cameron?”

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't
know what the inside of a brothel smells like”.

Posted: Wed Dec 02, 2015 4:36 am

Number :10

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?”

Number : 9

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so . . . . That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number : 4

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . . . .

An old favourite . . . . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . .

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy. . . ... .

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems .. . . .??"

Caddy: "There's a piece of s**t on the end of your club."

Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . .

Caddy: "No sir, it's at the other end"

Posted: Thu Dec 03, 2015 6:31 am

*** BANNED *** Joined: 26 Jul 2012 Posts: 1116

Lads are like mushrooms, meant to be kept in the dark and fed a steady diet of bullshit. Wink

Posted: Mon Dec 07, 2015 5:38 am

From the Two Ronnies !

It is rumoured that the publishers have recalled the long-awaited book on the history of Sellotape. Apparently, no one can find the beginning.

Complaints were made following the annual chefs’ fancy dress ball last night. A woman dressed only in gooseberries and cream made an improper suggestion to a man dressed in cake and sherry. She made a proper fool of herself and he got a trifle excited.

A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.

Ron Knuckles was buried today at a service attended by the criminal underworld. As a mark of respect, the ceremony ended with two minutes’ violence.

Tonight, we’ll be out and about with the Bishop of Bath and Wells to see him consecrate a swimming pool, bless three wells, confirm a bidet and christen a low-level suite.

In Sopforth today, the funeral of Britain’s most successful door-to-door salesman was called off because every time they tried to close the coffin lid, he jammed his foot in it.

Mr Wally Turdham has again won the most amorous milkman of the year award. Apparently, he’s so popular with his lady customers that he’s started leaving notes on their doorsteps saying: ‘None today, thank you.’

The president of the Society Of People Who Like Eating Rotten Food said today that their annual picnic had been a tremendous success, with everything going off really well.

We have heard today that Britain’s most absent-minded man received a nasty bump on the head after he dashed upstairs and realised he’d forgotten something. He’d forgotten he lived in a bungalow.

I was going to open a restaurant with topless waitresses — but was put off by the overheads.

A man from Dagenham has named his son TGF 308F. He said he may not be rich but when he eventually leaves his son his Ford Mondeo, at least he’ll have his own personalised number plate.

As a young man, I danced several leads for the Hibernian and Strathclyde Amateur Bowls and Ballet Society, until an unfortunate incident with a rather restrictive jock strap put an end to a promising career. I went from Sugarplum Fairy to Nutcracker in one ill-judged leap.

There has been some good news for the burglar who fell inside a combine harvester while on the run last week. His family said he’ll soon be out on bale.

The sad news is that the funeral took place today of Mr Spenser P. Dobson, a famous compiler of crossword puzzles. After a short service, he was buried 6 down and 3 across.

The BBC canteen has seen better days. These days, they’re having to resort to cheap gimmicks to drum up trade. Their recent one was three curries for the price of one ... so you got a good run for your money.

There was a chap who is interested in the concept of psychic phenomena — the concept where one day you suddenly hear from a guy who died 20 years ago. You know, a bit like second-class mail.

Heard the one about the car designer who crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo? He came up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame!

Milk bottles were thrown at a meeting of the Milk Marketing Board today. A meeting of the Egg Marketing Board was also broken up when eggs were thrown. A mass meeting of the Manure Marketing Board has been cancelled.

A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.

We’ve just heard a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.

One of the weathermen has just become a father. The baby is said to be fine, with occasional drizzle later in the day.

The first school I ever went to was a pretty soft school. At St Pansy’s Primary, you could have a reign of terror with a balloon on a stick while we were paying protection money to the Brownies.

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.

And now a message from the police in Finchley. There’s bad news about the two rabbits stolen from Peter’s Petshop. Only 14 have so far been recovered.

Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers — but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.

A ship carrying red paint collided with another one carrying purple paint. Both crews are thought to be marooned!

My great-grandfather was killed at Custer’s Last Stand. He didn’t take part in any fighting, he was camping nearby and went over to complain about the noise.

There was a fire at the Inland Revenue office in London, but it was put out before any serious good was done.

The world’s ugliest man died today. Now, he’s lying in a state.

In Hounslow this evening, a mad dog bit an income tax inspector. After being given injections and treatment for shock, the dog has been allowed to go home.

George Trimble, Blackpool’s longest-serving deckchair attendant, was better tonight after collapsing at work. It took five people 40 minutes to work out how to get him up again.

The true state of the country’s finances was revealed today when the Bank of England announced a closing down sale.

The Prime Minister said today that the state of the economy was in no way connected to the arrest this morning on Dover beach of a large group of illegal immigrants who were trying to leave the country.

In the world short-sighted table tennis championships, Mr and Mrs Harold Johnson won the women’s doubles.

Earlier today at the Old Bailey, Jim Spriggs, the world’s greatest confidence trickster, sentenced the judge to five years’ hard labour.

Comfortable in hospital tonight is the man who heeded the warning of the Ministry of Transport to wear something white at night. He went out dressed in a white hat, white shoes and white trousers and was run over by a snow plough.

The world’s greatest jigsaw puzzle designer was divorced today after his wife found he was keeping a piece on the side.

A man who swallowed £5 worth of pennies was rushed to Southend hospital yesterday. Doctors say he spent a quiet night and 43p. They don’t expect any change tomorrow.

News of an unfortunate incident at a circus in York this evening: the management took action against the human cannonball and fired him. They said his act was over the heads of the audience.

I’m thinking of buying a racehorse. I’ll be a bit of a novelty. I’ll be the only man who has to stand on tiptoe to talk to the jockey.

Nobody ever writes to me. I get letters from my mother addressed ‘To whom it may concern’.

A man who thew his mother-in-law into the crocodile pool at London Zoo has been prosecuted by the RSPCA.

Next week, we’ll be telling you about a new BBC programme dealing with the problems of the over-sexed. This programme will be shown 14 times a week.

Tonight, we’ll be talking to a man who crossed a Gordon Highlander with a mouse trap and got a squeaky jock strap.

A beautiful young Swedish nudist was rescued today by the crew of a Scottish trawler. To save her embarrassment, they quickly covered her with a mackintosh: Mr Angus Mackintosh of Fyfe.

At the British Rail tennis championships this week, a Surrey engine driver was forced to retire from the mixed doubles after a low ball in the midland region left his services severely disrupted.

The Astronomer Royal announced today that the 21st of June will no longer be the longest day of the year: in future it will be the day of the Eurovision Song Contest.

A disappointing cancellation tonight. The British Rail catering department’s Christmas blowout has been postponed until April to give the sandwiches time to ferment.

I keep fitter than you think. I have my own treadmill at home — I’m only doing widths at the moment.

There was a disaster in the West End tonight when Wasps The Musical opened and the entire cast got stuck behind the curtain.

I was lying in bed with my wife last Sunday morning when she called me by a special pet name, a loving and endearing term.

‘Hey Shorty,’ she said. ‘Would you like to hear the patter of little feet?’

Taken aback, I replied: ‘Yes, I would.’

She said: ‘Good. Run down to the kitchen and get me a glass of water.’

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar. If you see this man staring in your windows, warn the people next door.

We’ve just heard of another business merger. Achilles Cleaning Powders have joined up with the Scottish Distilleries to produce a cleaner that kills 99 per cent of all known germs, and makes the other one too drunk to bother.

The Department for Environment announced that a new electric car is to be withdrawn from the market. A spokesman said: ‘It was a failure. It could only travel three yards as the flex wasn’t long enough.’

A man appeared at Bow Street today charged with dangerous driving. His car got out of control in a winding country lane and narrowly missed a very thin pig. He told the court it was a narrow squeak.

Thieves in a stolen car were apprehended after a 100mph chase by Police Constable Wainwright who followed them on foot. Said PC Wainwright: ‘I had no choice. They shut the door on my truncheon.’

Posted: Wed Dec 09, 2015 9:55 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KU_Jdts5rL0

Posted: Thu Dec 10, 2015 7:02 pm

A man walks into a bar one night .

He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

“Certainly, Sir, that will be 1 cent.”

“one penny?” exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, “Yes.”

So, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, “Could i have a nice juicy

T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

“Four cents,” he replies

“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy.” where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy says , “What’s he doing with your wife ? “

The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

*** BANNED *** Joined: 26 Jul 2012 Posts: 1116

*** BANNED *** Joined: 26 Jul 2012 Posts: 1116

Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2015 9:57 pm

Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2015 3:12 pm

Not sure, but a Chinese man named Chudong may be gay. Rolling Eyes

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 905

12 days of Christmas - Frank Kelly version
speakers on

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbejNNCTr7k

Posted: Thu Dec 17, 2015 5:02 pm

Pregnant lady on The bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man ( about 20 years old ) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are Coming” and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to smile. The she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the trick,” and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved tthe fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident”, I just lost it.

“Case dismissed!”

Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2015 4:29 am

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying or dating nymphomaniacs.

The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves....

But the maniac stays.

Laughing

Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2015 6:51 pm

Posted: Fri Dec 25, 2015 2:01 pm

Merry Christmas to you All !!!!

Posted: Fri Dec 25, 2015 11:27 pm

Heard on the 'Today' programme on BBC Radio 4, this is British humour at its best.

Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into top Premiership football games, the cheapest price of between £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United) and being told:
“That will be ten quid, mate".
"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"

Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2015 7:00 pm

Dog guards the pack of beer which was left by this dog's owner.

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