Guyman Hospital: a story for anyone who can write*

By joining our community you will have the ability to post topics and access other forums reserved for members. Registration is quick, simple and absolutely free. Join our community today by clicking here.

Posted: Sun May 03, 2015 2:19 am

As she stood there in disbelief, the cave wall began to shimmer, and then one side faded away to reveal the bus, which had been somehow sawed into bits no larger than the average esky. The first-aid kit, the emergency kit, the tool kit, both fire extinguishers, the fuzzy dice, and a copy of The Hottie and the Nottie (used to intimidate unruly passengers on long-haul trips) had been spared destruction.

As Melissa calmed a furious Fake Sandra, Dr Solusi started to do what he could to set Bluffo's snapped fingers, while

Posted: Tue May 12, 2015 10:26 am

As Melissa calmed a furious Fake Sandra, Dr Solusi started to do what he could to set Bluffo's snapped fingers, while Colonel Sliseyerdickoff pondered how he and his team could carry out their secret mission when everything seemed to have come to a screeching halt.

Posted: Tue May 12, 2015 11:23 am

"There must be a disturbance in the time continuum," Fake Sandra muttered.

"It's always something," replied Colonel Sliseyerdickoff.

"Can you all be quiet?" Dr. Solusi asked. I'm trying to fix Bluffo's snapped fingers, and you are distracting me!"

"Well, aren't you cranky?" said Melissa. "Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?"

"Enough!" shouted Fourscin. "Look at us. We are fighting amongst each others, instead of against our common enemy."

"Well, what do you suggest we do, Mr. Know-It-All?" snapped the Colonel.

"You can start by taking care of that thing," Fourscin said.

And he pointed towards the cave door where...

Posted: Wed May 13, 2015 9:55 am

And he pointed towards the cave door where a sweet-faced young girl with blonde hair stood. She wore a school uniform not unlike those seen in anime, and carried a basket that clearly contained at least two bottles, bunches of grapes and a baguette.

Such a picture of innocence did she appear that even the hardened Colonel Sliseyerdickoff could only react with disbelief. Fourscin, who had been pointing at the repulsive pygmy peeking furtively into the cave*, found that any attempt to explain away his apparent faux pas simply drying up.

"Hi there, I'm Penelope Quill, and Rumpskin is a very naughty man!" She walked in and held out the basket to Melissa. "Let's have a picnic lunch and then we'll see how I can help you to

*Penelope is not the pygmy in disguise - just so you know.

Posted: Thu May 14, 2015 2:49 pm

…see how I can help you to figure out what the heck is going on and how you came to be here.

Melissa thanked Penelope for the basket, but was still cautious. Pater Parker eyed Penelope warily, and Bluffo started whispering excitedly into Dr. Solusi’s ear.

Dr. Solusi suddenly ran to Penelope, grabbed the food basket and threw it out the cave. Seconds later, it exploded, with a deafening roar.

“Drat, foiled again,” a dejected Penelope said, as Colonel Sliseyerdickoff grabbed her.

“Now what do we do?” asked Fake Sandra.

Posted: Thu May 14, 2015 10:04 pm

Tula Sukkemoff looked outside cautiously, did a double-take, and said, "Look - the basket didn't explode! That noise - that was a giant mutant thoat breaking wind..."
At which point she fainted.
Runemoff and Shootemoff ran to Tula's aid and dragged her back into the cave, then collapsed in helpless nausea.
Pater Perker posed a perspicacious question.
"What did you mean by "foiled again"?"
Penelope sighed and pointed at the pygmy.
"Peabuttjamcatcalwitparalasthunchon there was supposed to get you to steal the Number One Pencil from the Scribaceous Brotherhood, but he changed his mind after I showed him that he was a being set up to be a patsy for the League of Revisionists. OK so far?"

Posted: Fri May 15, 2015 2:25 pm

"OK so far?"

"Um, no," said Pater Perker. "What is the importance of a stupid number one pencil? I have several number two pencils and a black pen."

Peabuttjamcatcalwitparalasthunchon groaned and whispered into Penelope's ear very excitedly.

"Peabuttjamcatcalwitparalasthunchon says you are an idiot," said Penelope.

When he heard that, Pater kicked the pygmy in the ass, causing the pygmy to fly across the cave and bounce off the wall.

"Let's all calm down," said Melissa.

"I agree," said Fake Sandra.

"As do I," Dr. Solusi said. And with that, he finished bandaging Bluffo's fingers.

"So what's the plan?" asked Shootemoff?

Posted: Sat May 16, 2015 12:47 pm

"Knowing what's really going on would be good." Penelope said petulantly, and stamped her foot. "Are you going to listen to me or not?"
The group looked from one to another and finally Penelope had her audience.

"The Number One Pencil is very special pencil. It's made of solid gold with a cap of pure diamond, you see, and the graphite was taken from the terrign vane of a V-2 rocket, whatever that is. The reason the Brotherhood guards it is because someone who knows how could draw a picture of a person or thin and get power over it. That's bad enough, but there's a group that thinks it could be used to write a book or something and make people believe that what's in the book is true even if it goes against what really happened. That's the League of Revisionists. Funny bunch - they've got some boss named Orly Irving or something like that."

"Orwellian," said Solusi, which was predictable.
"A bit like Borges," said Papter Perker, which was surprising. "Tlon, Ubique, Orbis Tertius."
Melissa, the only one there who understood Pater Perker's comment (and was secretly astonished), said "

Posted: Sun May 17, 2015 8:39 pm

(and was secretly astonished), said…

“Wow—you are really smart, Pater. I really love smart guys.”

“Now now, Melissa, get your hormones under control,” admonished Fake Sandra. “We need to get the hell out of here. And to hell with them and that damn pencil.”

Just as Melissa spoke there was a blinding flash, and suddenly a silver DeLorean automobile came screeching to a halt.

The doors opened, and out stepped two men who immediately introduced themselves.

“I’m Doctor Emilt Brown and this Marte McFli, and we’re from the future, or maybe the past, or maybe the past future. Anyway, we need to bring you back with us.”

“Are you saying you are time travelers?” scoffed Melissa. “I never heard such a load of crap in my life.”

“Well, how do you explain where you are and why we are here?” retorted Doc Brown.

“He does have a point,” said Fake Sandra, as the others nodded their heads in agreement.

“It’s settled then,” Doc Brown said, rubbing his hands together gleefully. “Now, everyone on the bus, and Marte and I will tow you back to your time. But hang on tight, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.”

“I have just one question,” Fourscin said.

“Yes—what is it?” a frazzled Doc Brown asked.

“Well,” said Fourscin. “What happens if…

Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 1:02 pm

“Well,” said Fourscin. “What happens if you reach the speed of light and all the colour drops out?"
The question left everyone baffled.
Then Penelope said, "Why do you believe them?"
Before they could speak, Tula Sukkemoff beat Melissa to the draw and gunned down both the supposed Time Travellers.

As both shoddy dummies hit the ground, and the Delorean was revealed as a fibreglass shell over a rusty Trabant chassis, Melissa said, "There were never any Thoats on Earth until a few years ago, prehistoric pygmies don't speak English, and we still haven't heard Bluffo or Peabuttjamcatcalwitparalasthunchon give their stories!"

Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 9:50 pm

But before Bluffo or Peabuttjamcatcalwitparalasthunchon could tell their stories they were suddenly vaporized and all that was left was two puddles of quivering goo.

"That's just great!" shouted Melissa. "Now what do we do?"

Posted: Wed May 20, 2015 11:04 am

"Too frightened, or too stupid to think up a story?" Colonel Sliseyerdickoff mused. "Well, Miss Quill, are you going to disintegrate too?"
Penelope giggled.
"I was going to say, one of you has the Number One Pencil, so it's time for you to go before the Revisionists arrive. If you drive to your arrival point you can get back. Shall we go now, or wait fo them?"
She pointed out of the cave, to where in the distance a pair of badly mocked-up Tiger tanks and several SUVs were approaching.

David Irving and Orly Taitz could feel victory almost in their grasp. From the Kubelwagen at the head of the column, they saw

Posted: Sat May 30, 2015 8:49 pm

David Irving and Orly Taitz could feel victory almost in their grasp. From the Kubelwagen at the head of the column, they saw the cave that the pygmy shaman Magcharfatrabubicalmoorodourstep had told them about.
But then they both frowned at the sight of a monster truck bursting forth from the cave and speeding away.
"After them!" roared Irving, standing up to wave the column on with a grand gesture, only to the knocked out by a mango (non-weighted) from the tree they were driving under.
As a dozen more mangoes plummeted into the Kubelwagen, the speeding monster truck vanished in a blue-white flash...

Fake Sandra brought the truck to a halt.
They were parked on a highway, right next to a sign that read LOGON 42 MILES and a placard for the Sacred Church Of Reverent Nations.
"You made it!" squealed Penelope.

Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2015 9:30 am

And so Fake Sandra started the Monster Truck and they headed for Logon with the Number One pencil on board...

So a terrible threat to humanity was averted.

**

THE END

(For Now?)

Guyman Hospital: a story for anyone who can write*	View next topic View previous topic