Claudio & Jane - A Valentines Love Story

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Hello I'm New here! Joined: 31 Jan 2014 Posts: 13

I responded to one of the random mails I got as Jane the rich widow and heres the response I got; ( please note that a lot of my responses are a combination of myself and the single handly worse love letter generator I have ever found online)

Hello Jane,
Thanks for the mail.Let me tell you more about myself.I was married for 25years but Death took her away from me, my late wife was an American and we both lived happily. I was given one of the best education I attended a high school owned by British priest in Oslo, Norway and later moved to the National university of science and technology Oslo, Norway where i had my bachelor’s degree in Chemical Engineering. What kind of relationship do you really wish to have? What's your religion? Favorite color? Date of birth? I am a catholic, Sky blue is my favorite color, I was born September 27 1963, i am looking for a long term relationship, what are favorite activities? Your favorite music? Your favorite cuisines?

What do you do for fun? Do you smoke and drink alcohol? i do drink socially and i don't smoke. My dad is from Oslo in Norway,while my mom is from Italy. I want someone caring, honest and lovely to share life with me. I like playing basketball, biking, cooking, reading, novel and dancing. I need a very serious relationship. I want to know your mind. I believe honesty, faithfulness and open minded are the foundation for a good relationship. I want you to read my message carefully and answer all my questions.I really hope i can make you my woman but it really depends on you, i want to make you happy no matter what. I am very relationship oriented and I believe life is too short to waste or play games.

When I am in a relationship I am committed, honest, and loyal. I think that falling in love is always a good thing but it requires lot of work from both sides. There is always something to learn from being with someone, and happy times and memories should be cherished. Friendship comes first for me. I feel like you should treat somebody with respect and like they are a person not a piece of meat or whatever. I am the type of person who wants somebody to feel wanted not just as a trophy. I am a very affectionate person and I love to cuddle, I like to show somebody how I feel not just telling them. I love to be close to somebody whether it is in the bed on the couch or wherever. I guess my dreams would is to be happy and have a family that is my goals in life.

Feel free to ask anything you want to know about me. I am a simple and very open minded man. Don't be scared that i will get upset if you ask any question. I'm not a materialistic individual or vain. I respect this world as I know it. I understand that one’s possessions do not determine the individual. So I don't seek someone because they have neither do I avoid someone because they don't have. I'm just seeking someone who believes in unity, co-operation, truth, love, dedication, partnership, trust. Someone who knows love and is able to recognize it when it’s present. It is great to be alive, so many things life offers to experience and be a part of. I want to find a simple woman that can smile about life. I want to find someone to build an everlasting friendship with, one we'll both value until our end. So if you think smiling and living life too.

I am very outgoing and spontaneous like to have fun and travel a lot. I like to cook but also like fine dining. The rest you will have to ask maybe it’s you! Well i guess i can know more about you now? I am anxiously waiting for your message.take very good care of yourself and have a nice evening.My daughter is 21years.

Kind regards,
Claudio Kristiansen

So I attempted to draw him out a little

Hello Claudio,

I too am a devote catholic and I found my faith in good one thing that gets me through the day. I lost my husband last year. We were married a long time and while he left me a substantial about of money in his will I find money can't buy happiness.

I know have no children so I'm looking for a person who I can share my love with. I love cel ion doin the singer and my favorite food is lamb.

Do you like tv? What's your favorite tv show?

Have you any pets? I've one called Kevin. He is my pride and joy.

Regards
Jane

Hmmm, I thought the mail would have drawn out his greed but alas all I got was this;

How are you Jane? Thanks for your nice respond, is like you are very down to earth and that is good. It's good to see you are affectionate and like showing your feelings. I am the same as well. I believe that partners are 100% equal in a relationship and both should be able to feel they can trust each other 100% at all times. I feel that any man who ever disrespects a woman is not a man at all. I am affectionate also and I have no trouble showing it for the right woman in public or private. I love to cuddle while watching a good movie, when in bed, I love to hug and kiss my woman at anytime and anywhere it could be a store, mall or just on a sidewalk. You are looking for long term, I am looking for something permanent Smile

and I know it takes time and a lot of good effort to form a good relationship. I want a woman to be my best friend at all times, my sweetheart, love of my life, my partner and my soul mate all wrapped up into one lovely man. I would be all of that for her and more, I would love her with all of my heart and have nothing but good feelings for her. She should be a very caring person, with a lot of good feelings, be honest, reliable, pleasant personality and have a sense of humor.

I am not trying to ramble here for you but I am looking for the "One". What does that mean to me? She is the person that you can't wait until she comes home from work so you can kiss her and sit down and relax in front of the TV or go out and spend an evening together. The person that just calls to see how your day is going but knows that it just got much better because you are talking to each other. She gives you a lift when you are down and can always make you laugh because you know each other so well. The person that can simply lay in bed with my head on his chest and our legs interlocked for hours and talk about what's on your mind. She is your best friend, your lover, your equal and if lucky your wife. If I didn't scare you by being so serious and this sounds like something that would interest you then we could probably hit it off if you are up for it. I'm not afraid to go for it and this is what I want from life because I deserve the best. I am opening up to you because I read what you had to say and I think you could be the best. You have high standards and that's usually because you expect to get what you give from a relationship. This is almost a page long already. I feel that we have broken the ice and have found some very common grounds between us.I like watching TV but i love soccer,don't have any pets but i love them..

Kind regards,
Claudio Kristiansen

I have to admit, Claudio is a smooth talker so I decided to change my tacked

My dearest Claudio,
Ive had a few glasses of wine so I probably shouldnt write you this letter when I drunk but I feel the need to.Its been so long since Ive had the company of a man.
Upon this canvas I shall spill my soul's inner-most desires for you, and upon my chest I carve your name with the dagger of carnal desire, so the world may knoweth that only you lie within my heart.
With sensual velvet kisses, with flames of passion, with lustful burning eyes I bathe this canvas in my love-soaked thoughts for you, and only you.
What person in their sane mind could resist your gorgeous multi-coloured eyes which are more beautiful and colourful then Skittles and bubble gum. Of course I'd never eat your eyes or blow bubbles with them.
Your beautiful brown hair reminds me of that chocolate string they put on cakes, have you seen that stuff? But I think you are sweeter then chocolate string, and at least my hands don't get sticky when I run them through your hair.
Going to the email with you is always a great experience.
I really must tell you though, I absolutely adore your gorgeous smile! I think if God created something truly amazing, then its definitely gotta be your smile! I know some people say the same thing about horses and giraffes, but I think your smile exceeds anything else!
Anyhow my love, I must bring this letter to an end now. But I must tell you something. I've always wondered what you would look like in Leapord Skin underwear. I really think you would be the hottest thing on this planet in Leapord Skin underwear and you could easily overthrow any model out there! If you wear those for me, I promise to worship you and treat you like royalty (Just so long as you don't make me clean your toenails with a toothbrush! I draw the line there).
I pray for the day when I can greedily lick your scented lips and drink from your ravishing yet poisonous eyes, once more, my love live I only to please your fiery carnal desires,
- Jane x

I was interested to see if Ive get a more provocative response but alas no..

Thanks for the mail, Immediately i got your email my feelings turn over on you and it seems you are the right woman which i have been searching for to bring back the smile which i use to smile when my parent was still alive, For a good relationship to grow we need to trust each other and be honest with each other to achieve what we want to achieve well i am seeking for woman which will be the flesh to my flesh and also the bone to my bone, It’s true I have never seen you and we have never met, Never shaken Hands or even truly hugged and yet! I know for sure you care for me by the kindness that you give. And our keyboards keep us together doesn't matter where we live so I am emailing you to put a smile on your face and to let you know in my heart you have a special place. The sun is always shining just above the cloudy haze, as we share friendship across an online maze. We express love and kindness without a face it comes from deep inside our hearts from a special place. Within our lives we share special dreams, unusual and unique, and it is with our keyboards that we speak. We are friends from the emails we exchange, I wouldn't know you on the street and it doesn't even seem strange.
You have brightened my life with the thoughtfulness you show. Your words encourage me more than you could know. As people change and times keep changing too, one thing stays the same the way I feel for you. For this friendship we possess we owe a world of gratitude and debt, because we would not know each other if it wasn't for the net, I will want you to tell me your feelings about me and what you think we can do to achieve our goal. She is studying in Norway and she wants me to be happy again.Hope to hear from you soon.

Kind regards,
Claudio Kristiansen

So I apologise for my drunken looseness..

My dearest Claudio,

Sorry about the content of my last email, I was really really drunk.How are you doing?

I really think you are special, so I hope this note makes you smile.

What person in their sane mind could resist your gorgeous multi-coloured eyes which are more beautiful and colourful then Skittles and bubble gum. Of course I'd never eat your eyes or blow bubbles with them.

Your lovely red hair has always amazed me. It reminds me of strands of shiny copper wool (believe it or not, copper wool actually does exist! Honest I did a search on Google and found a picture) Although I wouldn't use your hair to clean out a frying pan with, so please don't worry about that and stop hiding the scissors.

You know I admire you a lot ....having said that I do love my car which I do cherish a lot. Once I was making out in there and this homeless guy came over to the window and started urinating on the car? It cost me a lot of money to get the paint replaced. I didn't know homeless people's urine was so corrosive, but we're not talking about that right now! (Besides the fact that I just mentioned it now, but that part was allowed because the context was a little bit relevant)

I can't remember if I've already told you this but I really do love your lips. Its such a turn on to look at and its one of the many reasons I love being with you my love. Sometimes I wish I could do nothing but stare at your lips all day, but I'm not sure that's a good idea my love, as people will probably think I'm some kind of nut case and I might get taken away by the men in white coats.

I wish you happy times and may you always be successful.

Hugs,

Jane

xox

He responded back calling me a swallow…Hmmm is that a metaphor

There are things in life that are inevitable; I am powerless to control them. The Sun will rise and set, the tide will come in and go out, the seasons will change, the birds will fly South for the winter and return in the spring, and the Caterpillar will transform itself into a beautiful butterfly. Somehow, I feel reassured by this because many other things in life are so transient - so momentary.

From the moment we met till now, I knew that our friendship would develop into something lasting and precious, just as I am sure that the Caterpillar will one day become a beautiful butterfly. Dearest, I believe that our love and friendship is ordained by God. It is a union of two spirits destined for everlasting happiness. Thus, you have truly become the star of my life which brings me light in this dark world and warmth when i need it. You offer me the promise of renewal, the joy of living, the peace of mind that comes from sharing and caring, and that shoulder to lean on in times of stress. You are my Swallow from Capistrano - my precious butterfly, and I will cherish you and love you forever if you promise that you will take
good care of me.

Kind regards,
Claudio Kristiansen

Time to bring in the de-education phrases;

My dearest Claudio,

How are doing my angel?

Sweetie, I just wanted to tell you that you've always been a wonderful part of my life. Whenever I think of you I melt and get a fuzzy feeling on the inside like a unicorn on a candy stick tree of happiness. Theres just something about you which I can't help liking.

Your beautiful multi-coloured rapey hair really looks sweet on you. Whenever I look at it, I just can't help thinking of turnips. They are kinda multi-coloured too, don't you think? But you are sweeter then a turnip my love, honest, so please don't get angry and chase me with a stick for saying that!

My love for you is sweeter then sugar, and there is no other love for me ....well OK, I guess I also love my MP3 player which I love listening to when you are not around. Come to think of it I listen to it when you are around too, but we're not talking about that right now! (Besides the fact that I just mentioned it now, but that part was allowed because the context was a little bit relevant)

I can't remember if I've already told you this but I really do love the idea of your chest. It would be such a turn on to look at and its one of the many reasons I love being with you my love. Sometimes I wish I could do nothing but stare at your chest all day, but I'm not sure that's a good idea my love, as people will probably think I'm some kind of nut case who also likes to stare at goats and I might get taken away by the men in white coats again Smile

The thought of you is always in my heart my sweet lover!

I love you now and forever,

Jane

Claudio doesn’t even blink at the phrase’s

I am writing to tell you how much you mean to me, and to thank you for coming into my life. You are something I never thought could exist for me. You are one of the best things that have happened in my life, and I don't regret being with you. I would want to receive love and trust from you when you truly mean it. All I ask from you is to show me you care and not hide anything, to also have trust in me the way I do in you.
Kind regards,
Claudio Kristiansen

So I hit Claudy with a valentines day letter a day early.

My dearest My loveable Claudy,

I pray you are well my love.

What manner of creature can resist your mysterious black eyes which swirl like whirlpools and flash like lightning whenever I say something silly to you.

My love for you is hotter then Carol Voderman, and there is no other love for me ....having said that I do love my guitar which is a fantastic piece of kit cos you can play nice tunes on it. Even though I don't really know any songs, and I just love playing air guitar with it, only with real guitar but thats besides the point. My point is that I love you and my love for you is unique (isn't it weird how the word 'unique' and 'eunuch' sound the same? The word Unix also sounds similar, but 'Chimpanzee' doesn't)

I really must tell you though, I absolutely adore your gorgeous bum! I think if God created something truly amazing, then its definitely gotta be your bum! I know some people say the same thing about horses and giraffes, but I think your bum would exceed anything else!

Happy Valentines Day, my true love!

Sweet love, hugs and kisses,

Teddy Bear

So considering its nearly valentine’s day would anyone like to make any recommendations regarding the next letter?
Laughing

Posted: Thu Feb 13, 2014 7:52 pm

He's obviously not reading them-maybe some song lyrics?

Not quite a Newb Joined: 16 Jan 2014 Posts: 44

He sounds like he's actually thinking like he's writeing this about himself but anyway as long as your makeing up irrelivent things ( snicker)you might ask why is it a funny little person with wings creates love,why not the easter bunny or even the thanksgiveing turkey? Could they not be equally representitive of love or how you admire his knee caps

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 11 Jan 2014 Posts: 688

^^^^ You are mad as a hairbrush! Marry me?

419Eater is my life Joined: 23 Jan 2014 Posts: 295

^^^ I beilieve you and baitsmotel should woo the same lad. Now THAT would be most entertaining. Very Happy

Not quite a Newb Joined: 16 Jan 2014 Posts: 44

lol,we might drive him over the edge of insanity..would be funny to put him in a rubber room and straight jacket or do they have such things there

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 11 Jan 2014 Posts: 688

^^^^ I charge more for kinky stuff!

419Eater is my life Joined: 23 Jan 2014 Posts: 295

^^^ I will remit my fee to the nearest Westin Unit orfice.

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 11 Jan 2014 Posts: 688

^^^^^ you know I have a form or two (Anti Terrorism and other humdrum stuff) you will need to fill in?

Not quite a Newb Joined: 16 Jan 2014 Posts: 44

or to the newest way to send money....the fanny pak

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 11 Jan 2014 Posts: 688

^^^^ Really? Sounds like Shona is sitting on a fortune!

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 31 Jan 2014 Posts: 13

I like the idea of the sound lyrics !!!! Guess its just a toss up between Meatloaf and Brian Adams.

Not quite a Newb Joined: 16 Jan 2014 Posts: 44

Dang I am chomping at the bits LMAO

Not quite a Newb Joined: 16 Jan 2014 Posts: 44

I even have a male and female characters

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 31 Jan 2014 Posts: 13

So Claudio finally replied to my Valentines letter

I woke up and i thought i should write you this message; I love you with every part of my being. If I could marry your soul I would. I dream of nobody else. Every day is a true struggle when I'm not with you. If I could conjure up all the power in the world to translate my love to every form of living: physical and spiritual, I would. You are my everything, and I love you more than life itself. I love you truly! I truly mean what i wrote, i hope everything is Okay with you, i wish we are together right now but i believe sooner we are going to be, i hope you mean it when you say you want to be with me because i really mean it.Hope you are having a great weekend?Do take care of yourself my love..
Kind regards,
Claudio Kristiansen

So as requested, see my Bryan Adams themed response

Claudy I wish you could Look into my eyes you will see What you mean to me.And if you search your heart, search your soul and when you find me there you'll search no more. Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for.You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for.You know it's true.Everything I do, I do it for you Claudy

Look into your heart – you will find.There's nothin' there to hide.Take me as I am, take my life.I would give it all, I would sacrifice.Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more.

Hey Claudy !!!!

There's no love like your love And no other could give more love.There's nowhere unless you're there
All the time, all the way, yeah.Look into your heart, baby.

( Right now I can imagine myself in a forest, wearing my jean jacket, just holding my guitar thinking about you)

Oh, you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for.I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more.Yeah, I would fight for you, I'd lie for you,Walk the wire for you, yeah, I'd die for you.

You know it's true:Everything I do, oh, I do it for you Claudy.

PS Im really busy at the moment help Kevin my cripple neighbour with his homework.You know the answers to any of these questions Im more beauty then brains. I know with your background your just so smart.

What is the atomic weight of cobalt?

What sound does a tree make when it falls in a forest?

How many moving parts are there in a 1992 Volkswagon VW polo

I know I can rely on you my sexy brainy enginer to help me with your knowledge.

Miss you,

- Jane

PPS You never wished me happy valentines day

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 31 Jan 2014 Posts: 13

So Claudio finally got back to me. Totally ignoring my beautiful Bryan Adams song lyrics and the questions I put to him to help my cripple neighbor with his homework. Anyone any ideas on how I can escalate this.

Quote:

Ever since you came into my life with this heavenly made gift called "LOVE", I have noticed so many changes in my left alone world; you made me believe again that love comes to those who wait
I want to make this promise based on the love that you have shown me and the things you have done to keep my hopes alive; Treasure, today, I declare my love for you alone; no one but you and it's from the bottom of my heart. I promise to be there for you in good and bad times because you are worth dying for.
I pray that the Good Lord watch over us till the end of time.
Kind regards,
Claudio Kristiansen

Posted: Wed Feb 19, 2014 11:39 am

Basically, you can tell him anything you like, he's not reading it. He's inserted the "make me a promise" line-it'll show up later after the money shot "But you promised".You may want to ask why he's not answering your questions.

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21155

^^^Tell him it's too early for promises. Especially when he has answered none of your questions.

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 31 Jan 2014 Posts: 13

I settled for short and simple

Quote:

Claudio,

I was really hurt by your last email. I feel like you not listening to me and I hate that in man.

You didnt even help me with the questions for my kid neighbours.

Im very upset with you.

- Jane

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 31 Jan 2014 Posts: 13

Just got a very bland apology. Anyone recommend how I can escalate this to the next level.

Quote:

Am sorry about that my love.

Kind regards,
Claudio Kristiansen

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